When Your Soul Mate Gets Engaged / How to Release the Fear of F*cking Up

I’ve been saying this for years:

You can’t fuck it up.

You can’t fuck up your business.

You can learn. You can grow. You can do silly/unfortunate/not-the-smartest things and decide that next time you want to do something differently – but you truly – as long as you create content and provide services you believe in… and keep your heart pure and your intention to serve others at the center of everything… you will not fuck up your business. It’s safe to release the fear of fucking it up.

I believe this deeply.

I believe it’s safe to launch new products. It’s safe to play with new offers. It’s safe to try things out.

I do not believe any singular event concerning copy/marketing/branding/price point/unhappy client could actually do anything to fuck up your business.

(And I understand that some people actually do fuck up their life and business. The thing is… adopting this principal and belief that you can’t fuck it up will allow you to boldly and confidently make decisions in your life and business without being paralyzed by the fear of failing or fucking it up.)

I am going through an interesting phenomenon lately – I have been looking at all the spiritual principals and energetic practices I deeply, confidently and passionately believe in and rely on in business – and observing where I do not apply them to other areas of my life.

Case in point: Romantic Relationships.

I have analyzed:

– The text messages I’ve sent
– The energy I’ve put off
– The way I’ve showed up
– The things I could have said/done differently
– The meaning of various interactions
– Every moment of what occurred in a relationship and why it ended

The other day I said to a friend about a man I was seeing, “I think I fucked it up.”

She was like… “Fucked it up? With a guy? What does that even mean? That’s like not even possible. Just show up and be yourself the right people stick around and the wrong people go away.”

I believe that in business. I believe that with clients. I believe that with students. I am the queen of it-is-this-or-something-better in every business transaction I make. Why don’t I believe this with men?

Recently, I’ve initiated a few conversations with men whom I dated in the past year – people that are still in my life with no hard feelings.

When I asked them what the experience of dating me was like, I really thought that each of them would give me some account of how I showed up needy or desperate and pushed them away and how dating me was so uncomfortable and horrible… and that is would expose my pattern and confirm my hunch that I fuck up dating relationships.

Do you know what’s funny?

That is not what they told me… like at all.

Both told me that they were fully into me and intrigued by me and loved getting to know me.

One dude told me he was way fucking intimidated. And one reminded me that the only reason it ended it because he moved to a different country and I was traveling the globe. Each of them gave me completely unique experiences of what they were going through in their own lives when we dated…

… long story short: In both their minds, they had lost me.

They thought they had fucked it up with me.

Two unique human beings had two unique experiences that were completely different… and with both of them… they didn’t pull away because of some horrible tendency I have to push men away (which is the story I’ve been telling myself…).

It just didn’t work out. It just ended because it ended. We learned from each other… and moved on.

And all three of us told ourselves various stories about what it all had meant.

Interesting.

The continuation of my Am-I-Bad-At-Men research occurred when one of my soul mates…. got engaged.

This part of the blog may get a little long, but it’s worth it… trust me.

I met him — let’s call him John — when I was 21.

I was in an abusive controlling religious situation at the time. My confidence was destroyed – my ability to think and reason for myself had been stripped from me, with my own participation.

I was depressed and miserable and living a long fucking way from home.

I longed to go to college and study psychology and start a business (… all things I did.) But at that time… I had given away my own power. I felt stuck AF.

John was living in my hometown – we had been set up to a wedding together when I visited Tulsa.

Homeboy showed up full of charisma, style and inappropriateness. He was brash. He said cuss words. He talked about sex. We talked about life. He was real, unapologetic and completely himself.

Which, clearly, I had no idea what to do with…

He was the polar opposite of the world I was living in. He walked around with his middle finger up to the world and a big smile on his face – knowing that he would slay at life regardless or anyone approval… something I admired at the time and embody today.

I developed the biggest crush on the planet on him.

A lot happened in the next ten years.

The first time he changed my life was when he helped me to see that I was in a cult.

Once I got back to Tulsa, there was phase of us making out after church on Sundays.

A couple years later there was seasons of me coaching him multiple times each week to help him recover from a very traumatic event in his life.

We would sometimes go months without catching up.

… but the chemistry and connection was palpable when I saw him or spoke to him.

It was the kind of spark/feeling that could knock you off your game, make you doubt yourself, unnerve you, and send you into a frenzy.

Which is what he always did for me.

Two years ago, I had moved to my hometown (where John still lived) with my ex-boyfriend.

Though my relationship with my then boyfriend, had served both me and my ex deeply for many years… I knew that he was not the person I would marry… and I was in the midst of lying to myself about what I needed to do next.

I was hard core and very stubbornly refusing to tell the truth about what I wanted in a relationship. Friends knew. Family knew. Clients knew. I knew…

… but I wouldn’t admit it fully.

I had been committed to my own illusion/stories/tendency to not give up and straight up ignoring my desires… when it came to my romantic relationship.

There was one person who could get my attention.

Enter John… again.

Without meaning to, my boyfriend and I moved into a new big house, four blocks from John.

All the chemistry and connection that I was longing for and not experiencing in my relationship was right there in my face.

It was never about dating/marrying/ending up with John.

I always (read: usually, most of the time) knew that.

But John always showed up and told me the truth. He was always a mirror. He always let me see his heart, saw mine clearly, and told me what was real.

Having John in my life sent me into a world of confusion… but it also made the truth of some of the traits I desired in a long term partner obvious…

I ended my relationship – and John phased out of my life… once again.

One year later, when I was packing to move out of the house I had rented with my ex-boyfriend (who had moved out 9 months before) to move to Bali…

John came over to help me move. We hadn’t spoken in one year.

We said all the things we needed to say to one another. We hung out. We made out. We talked about the ten years of knowing one another and why which had each acted as we did in various interactions.

It was different this time though. We weren’t rekindling our friendship. I felt we were ending it.

When I hugged him good bye… I squeezed his body and knew for sure, that I had learned everything I was supposed to from him.

I felt completion. I felt certainty. I felt gratitude.

I knew it was over forever (at least in this lifetime). And I was thankful.

We haven’t spoken sense.

John got engaged yesterday.

He and I spoke briefly when I heard the news. I congratulated him. Told him his girl was gorgeous and that I could tell he was happy. We talked about how important our friendship was and how thankful we were for each other.

He said, “Amanda. You have been such a great friend to me. All the past years are coming back to me in gratitude. Thank you for… everything.”

I said to him, “Isn’t it obvious now, looking back, that it was all as it was always supposed to be…?”

After we spoke, I got into my car for an appointment in the Riviera of Santa Barbara, where I live.

I was driving up and down the hills. I could see the ocean. And the sunset.

And I thought:

What you had with John was always going to be what it was going to be. It was always going to be divine and special and perfect. You could not have done anything to fuck that up if you tried.

Here’s the thing: The people who are supposed to be in your life will show up. And re-show up. And re-show up.

The people who were supposed to be in your life… WILL be in your life when there is something for each of you to learn.

The people who are no longer needed in your life, will always fall away.

I analyzed my relationship with John at various times just like I’ve analyzed many boys and men that have floated through my life.

I analyzed. And told stories. And wondered what I had done right or wrong and how I had to him seemed and what he thought about this or that…

… never asking the man in full vulnerable communication how he felt.

But torturing myself instead….

… which seems so pointless and like such a waste of energy now.

Here’s the deal, loves: It’s safe to release the fear of fucking it up. In every area.

Everyone who you have not been your best self with or ended things with or whom didn’t stay in your life as long as you desired… needed to fall away.

The relationship no longer served you.

Sometimes they fall away just for now. And sometimes forever.

And sometimes soul mates get engaged and you feel nothing but immense happiness and gratitude for them for while they were in your life.

But as long as you keep your heart/intention pure and are oriented toward growth and taking care of yourself and others…

… it will always be as it needs to be.

(And even when you do not keep your heart pure and do not value yourself — it will still be as it needs to be — as you will be forced to learn how to do so.)

I was in love with John at least twice, he was my closest friend through various phases of life… and one of my favorite people on the planet, always.

Does it matter if I sent John a weird text eight years ago? Or wasn’t myself when I ran into him on the street four years ago? Or felt needy when he was calling me out on my shit two years ago?

Of course fucking not.

That is like a ridiculous thing to even think about. Any weird behavior from either of us at any point in time… was just showing us each where we had work to do. << Just like anything else in life.

The truth is this:

Our souls needed to learn from one other. So they did.

(And in case you are wondering.. my definition of a soul mate is this: It’s someone whom were were meant to know. Someone we feel we have known before who we will likely know again. Someone who moves us along our path. Many of our soul mates will not be our life partners… and that’s okay. They will be on our journey for a little while and allow us to grow immensely. And if we are lucky, we will wait for the person who is cut out to do life with us forever… who we also have a wild soul connection with.)

Here is what I know for sure: You are perfect. You are divine. You are healing. You are growing. You are in progress.

You are getting better all of the time.

You are not/can not/will not fuck any of this your-life thing up.

It’s safe to release the fear of fucking it up.

Keep your heart pure and your intention clean. Be willing to grow/change/evolve/heal. Ask for guidance on doing so. Show up for others. Put yourself in their shoes. Do your best. Forgive yourself and everyone else… continually.

Things might get crazy/messy/out of control from time to time. You might, sometimes, not understand WTF is happening.

And that’s okay…

Welcome to the human experience.

Go get messy… stop thinking so hard… fall in love… and have some fun.

What do you think? Am I right? Am I crazy? Delusional?

Let me know what you think in the comments below this blog or come see me in the Spiritual Bad Ass Boss Ladies Group on FB: Join Me!! The Spiritual Boss Ladies Group!

 

  • Jae Schaefer

    Hey beautiful, thank you SO much for this. I was recently in a situation where I was judging the EFF out of myself for attracting the same kind of relationship again and thinking, ‘I should be past this by now’ ‘I shouldn’t still be doing this’ and I had this realisation (through a friend) that if it’s happening, it’s MEANT to be happening (ie it was created by us on some level) and that’s such a freaking beautiful thing! I love when you said, “Any weird behavior from either of us at any point in time… was just showing us each where we had work to do.” EXACTLY. And when we judge ourselves, we block ourselves off from the learning it was sent to bring! When I got curious about it, I could accept and love the part of myself that attracted him and heal the pattern! Thank you so much again – love love LOVE your work x

  • Stephanie

    This was so on point! It has really helped give me some perspective on a current complicated friendship in my life. Thank you!

  • Chelsea

    10,000% right as usual. And speaking right to my heart Thank you, Amanda. I just felt some big shifts from ready this.

  • Julie Messier Brigante

    So good Amanda! On point, especially for the Lunar/full moon today!!

  • Caitlin Knowles Littleford

    I love this. What a beautiful, true perspective. ❤

  • Tami Anderson

    So true. Loved your story and it brought a few of my “best friend” soul mate guys to mind. ❤️

  • Christina Blu

    I just cried reading this blog post, so beautiful and true. We punish ourselves so much and feel guilty over situations that we are just supposed to both learn from, both of you lose each other to learn and come back and its just apart of both of your journeys! Sometimes I could never understand how people show up, disappear and keep showing up again and you think its your fault that you fucked it up, your story just explained that. Thank you! xx

  • Sabrina Walker

    You are just a ray of sunshine in all that you do. You inspire me to step out and not care what the world thinks. I thank God for you and your posts every day. Thank you Amanda!!!

  • Alyssa Polakoff

    This is my favorite thing you’ve ever written and hits home on so many levels. The “John” in my life recently announced he is having a baby with the women I know deep down he was meant to be with and it’s brought up a very real feeling that maybe I fucked something up along the way but you’re 100% right… I didn’t fuck anything up, it was always meant to be this way. “Our souls needed to learn from each other, and so they did” it was exactly the way it was supposed to be and now it’s time to bless and release. Thank you for this blog Amanda, it’s so good and was so needed ❤️

  • Aimee

    Love this, Amanda. I really needed to hear this today. Thank you for always keeping it real. Love you, girl! <3