Most every person I know’s life didn’t go exactly according to plan. If your life is still going according to plan… then just add a “yet” to the end of that thought.
And it’s a good thing. The plan not working is often our greatest catalyst for growth, opportunity, and miracles.
Once upon a time I was in cult (more on that in the vid — and in future blogs, I’m sure). When I got out of the cult I had a little… baggage.
Not to mention the normal baggage we are all walking around with from our childhoods (most families do the best they can and often accidentally suck from time to time) and from a normal heart break or two.
I tried my hardest to hurry up and become super educated and successful — and rush into the life of my dreams.
So I got my bachelor’s degree in psych. And moved to Dallas to get my master’s in counseling.
“What do I mean by raise your vibration? Quite simply, to get yourself in a better, lighter mood. Do something that reminds you of how magical life is, and how lucky you are to be here. Something that makes you grateful, something that makes you appreciate yourself and your life. Something that gives you a little pep in your step. Something that makes you smile.” – Jenny Sansouci via healthycrush.com
I’m going to have to give it to you straight: Life Can Be Rough.
I have been preach-preach-preaching about self-love to you for nearly two and a half years and have meant every word I’ve said! I even made a life, brand, business, and blog around it – that’s for real commitment. I thought I had the self-love thing down. Wake up, meditate, dance around my house and pick out pretty clothes, juice, see clients, go to yoga, eat healthy food, see friends, journal, go to bed, sleep eight hours, repeat. Doesn’t that sound delightful? Yes, it really was. I dedicated my life to creating a certain kind of life.
Then, I had a major lifestyle change. Enter: PhD program.
I know you are tired of hearing about it (and frankly, I am tired of thinking about it) but the entire thing has thrown my smooth-sailing lifestyle into a mini existential crisis of chaos. I am not even going to pretend that I have this completely figured out.
I know that all of you have had moments of, “I am so tired and stressed and I know I need to take care of myself, but there is no time to take care of myself and I don’t know what to do.” Then you are stressed that you are stressed and feel crazy for feeling so crazy and are super tired of being tired. And you don’t know how in the world you are going to incorporate more of what you need into your life… I am there with you, hunnie pie!
My goal is to merge this hectic season of life with my desire to take care of myself and live from a positive place.
Here’s how I intend to do it:
1. Run, run away.
Sometimes, you have to bail. The other day Gabby Bernstein posted a vlog about leaving the kitchen in a room full of overeaters on a holiday weekend. She has experienced negative eating habits in the past and felt herself getting caught up in old ways. She left the kitchen, walked outside, and filmed a vlog about walking away instead of falling into the crazy. For me, in my new experience, there are moments when a million stressed people are telling me a million chaotic things I have to add to a day, week, or hour that has no empty moments. Now sometimes, I can let the flowing endorphins and cortisol move me into intense productivity. But sometimes, I can tell that if I don’t leave the room I will burst. So I leave the room. I find sunshine. I find five deep breaths. I find a sixty-second meditation. I bail and I do it for me. Because I love me. I have a strong personality and a shit ton of resilience, but sometimes the negative energy in a room will take over if you do not find the front door.
2. Stop Should-ing All Over Yourself
Guilt is a bitch. Now listen to me. There are no shoulds in life. You have to decide when to leave the office. You have to decide when to put the project down. You have to decide when to let your kids zone out in front of the TV for an extra five minutes so you can take a deep breath. I know that you feel like you should stay longer and do more. And sometimes, you totally should. Sometimes it’s what the job requires and you can woman-up and do it. However, when you don’t have anything else to give and you are just staring at that blank screen or paper for two hours while you think about how much you have to do, but are only half doing it – stop. There is a point, where your work, life, and relationships will benefit from you removing that should and going home.
3. Say No.
I’m a therapist. “Boundaries” is a word I use probably every single day. “Set boundaries with your ex,” “Set boundaries with your parents,” “Set boundaries with crazy pathological lying third cousin,” etc. Lately, setting boundaries has been hard. I had a professor in undergrad tell me that at some point during her PhD program she decided that she had to set boundaries for herself. She made certain guidelines to help her keep it together, like eating dinner at seven with her family, cleaning on Sundays, and going to bed by midnight. She felt like she didn’t have time to eat, clean, or sleep. She set the boundaries anyway and miraculously completed every school requirement and still made straight A’s. There is time. You can create time. The things you have to do will fill up however much time you allow for them to be done in. I don’t know what this means for you, but for me it’s deciding how many clients I will and won’t fit into one day, what time I will allow my day to start and end, determining to take a day off no matter what, and saying no to certain ridiculous criteria that can not successfully be maintained in the long run. Not everyone will like your boundaries. That is okay – they are your boundaries. You have to live with your life and yourself. You have to be true to yourself. You are responsible for creating a life you can feel good about. Remember, you attract what you are back to yourself. For me this means, I have to keep my vibration positive and energy high as much as possible. I will not surrender my positive disposition to any low-level environment. It’s my life.
4. Recharge
If you are following me on facebook or instagram you know I am recharging machine right now. I have two weeks off school and though I’m working quite a bit, I am recharging at every given moment. It’s like pool, yoga, journal, read, music, run, gym, juice, laugh, sing, happy hour, dinner with friends, take a walk, staycation, go dancing, have brunch, dance at brunch, wear pretty outfits, take lots of pictures, blog, blog, blog, vacation, sleep. I am in recharge mode and I love it. My priority to do my favorite things and be really happy. I know that when I love life, life loves me back. (Read More…)
5. Disconnect.
There have been about two million times that I have been tempted to stress about how much I am going to have to do when school starts, but I have chosen to disconnect and give the things I love in my life some much needed attention. When you go on vacay or to dinner or sit by the pool, girlfriend, truly disconnect.
Here’s a quick way to release your feelings and disconnect from your internal dialog around whatever chaos you may have: 1) think all your crazy thoughts. They need expression. 2) Feel how they make you feel. 3) Accept those feelings as valid. Make it okay to feel that way. 4) Show yourself empathy – I’m sorry self that you feel this way. 5) Deep breath. Release.
Meditation is also a way I regularly create quite mental space. 1) Sit up straight (or lay down). 2) Close your eyes. 3) Turn your palms up. 4) Breathe deeply – in through your nose and out through either your nose or mouth – whichever is more comfortable for you.
BONUS: I am learning more and more all the time, how much a sense of community contributes to my happiness. Listen, friend, I have you back. You can write, comment or post to me on any outlet at any time. If you crave some additional support and encouragement, please please participate this weekend in the Semi-Annual Self-Love Saturday World Wide Party. My good friend, Paige Sauer and I encourage you to do one act of self-love, self-acceptance or self-care on Saturday. Feel free to tag me on Instagram or Twitter to share your stuff! And be sure to use the hashtag #selflovesat with your post!
It’s your life. Take care of you. Stand up for yourself. Set boundaries. Do what you love. Remember, that you are enough. Do not let anyone stand in your way of creating the happiest life you can imagine.
“I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind. I am LIGHT.” —India Arie, “I Am Light”
When I was a young girl, I had a complete vision of how my life would look when I turned 35. I imagined myself married to a successful and dashing man, living in a beautiful home with a dazzling swimming pool filled with the laughter and frenzy of 3 children–two girls and a boy. I pictured myself staying at home to raise my children, making my home a nurturing oasis, full of warm memories and so much love. Busy with carpools, bake sales, soccer games, ballet recitals and piano lessons, the “picture” I had in my head seemed perfect & easily attainable. Yet, here I am at 35 years old without my 35-year old dream. And while some may view this as a major disappointment or failure, I simply see the lack of attaining my dream as MOTIVATION. [Tweet “You have to let go of old dreams and expectations to make room for bigger dreams to emerge.”] Sometimes we hold on to the “idea” of things, and do not understand the reality of that vision.
At this point in my life, I know my journey has given me more insight and opportunity than my “perfect family” vision could EVER have given me. I know I’m not a failure because I haven’t reached my “goal.” I have achieved so many OTHER accomplishments: I graduated from UCLA, obtained my degree, struggled through 4 years of pharmacy school and earned my Pharm.D., passed my CA Pharmacy Board exams the first try, was promoted to Pharmacy Manager within a year of working, and became a homeowner at the age of 30.
Although I look forward to the day I meet my romantic match, I have learned so much about myself as a successful single and fulfilled woman. Being a single woman has allowed me to realize who I am by myself, without the influence of a partner. Single life has given me freedom—freedom to live the life I want to live and the opportunity to travel without consulting another person. I’m not desperate or depressed that I have not found him yet. I know I am right where I need to be at this point in my life and look forward to the day when Mr. Right arrives. On the series Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw said so wisely, “Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.”
But I’m only human. Sometimes I have a bad day and find myself in “Debbie Downer” mode. During these times I strive to replace my negative thoughts with positive, affirming ones.
Here are 5 tools I use in order to focus on my desires and ward off negativity:
Stay in your lane. God has a plan and purpose for each one of us. When we count other people’s blessings, we not only disappoint Him, but we also diminish our own journey. Learn to embrace the unknown and the excitement of the unfolding path ahead of you, because when you resent the blessings of another, it doesn’t push others off their path–it simply pushes you farther from your own. Release the expectations you have about what you SHOULD have now or where you SHOULD be now in your life. [Tweet “You are EXACTLY where you should be right now.”] You are learning and growing, preparing for the next part of your life journey. Stay positive and enjoy the moment you are living in NOW. Create the vision you have for your life, expect great things, have faith, and great things will happen for you at the RIGHT TIME.
Celebrate your accomplishments. Remember when you were a youngin’ and your mom or dad hugged & cheered you on when you did the smallest thing, like tie your shoe properly, or use the potty for the first time, or when you got your first gold star at school? Well, why does that suddenly have to change when you’re an adult? I feel like we don’t celebrate ourselves enough in adulthood. [Tweet “Everyday is a gift and every success should be celebrated!”] Rather than bathe in destructive and envious feelings, we should celebrate our progress, no matter how small. You finished all the items on your TO-DO list for the week? CELEBRATE!! You achieved your goal of 4 workouts for the week? I’d say that calls for a spa day! Self love is all about appreciating and honoring oneself, unconditionally. Not having accomplished everything you desire is an opportunity to get clearer on what you want and set goals to achieve it. Life would be dull if you didn’t have anything to work for! Always honor and cherish the blessing that you are to the world. Don’t let ANYONE steal your shine, especially yourself!
Create a GRATITUDE journal. The best way to get out of your “Woe is me” mentality is to write a list of at least 5 things you are grateful for. It could be ANYTHING! Focusing on all the blessings you have NOW makes it difficult for you to feel badly about your life. When you appreciate what you have, what you have appreciates in value. Giving thanks forces us to pay attention to the good things in life, rather than the negative forces which tend to overwhelm us day-to-day. So whether you believe in God or a higher power, be thankful on this day for your trusted friendships and loving family. Rather than focus on what is MISSING in your life, focus on all the wonderful things that are present. Focus on your blessings, focus on your fitness, focus on those things you CAN control, like your attitude and outlook on the world. Focus on keeping the faith.
Give back. One of the best things you can do to take the focus AWAY from the whirlwind of doubts and questions that plague you is to serve others. Whether you choose to volunteer at a shelter, become a mentor, give money to your favorite charity, donate clothing to an organization, or simply reach out to a friend or colleague, use your time productively to create sunlight in another’s life. The best way to get out of your own funk is to reach out and help someone else who may be having hard times. Do you know someone who may be going through a hard time? Give her a call, send him a card, make a phone call and spend some quality time serving others. Helping others not only creates a sense of community and fellowship, but also does wonders for your spirit.
Love yourself. Whether you need to pray, meditate, dance & sing in the shower, or enjoy a quiet afternoon in the park, do something that makes YOU feel happy and fulfilled. Meditation is a great way to quiet the mind, focus on your breathing, and find your center. It truly is amazing how simply taking 5 minutes out to BREATHE can truly relinquish tension & anxiety. Personally, I can’t get through the month without at least one massage or day at the spa doing nothing but enjoying me, myself, and I. If you can’t afford a spa day, light some scented candles, draw some bath water & luxuriate in yummy bath oils. There is nothing like a “Calgon evening” to make the stresses of the day disappear. One of my new self-care rituals is buying a fresh bouquet of tulips or roses for my home. When I’m surrounded by beautiful things, I really do feel uplifted.If you’re not kind and loving to yourself, how can you expect anyone else to be?
“i-love-me” flowers
In the meantime…
As I wait patiently for God to send me my King, I continue to love myself like no one else can and live my life to the fullest by traveling, becoming the best version of me, and pursuing all my heart’s desires. Life doesn’t stop simply because I’m not a “Mrs.” My happiness does not revolve around my single status; it is defined by my spiritual, physical and emotional fulfillment. Sometimes you have to stop worrying and have faith that things will work out, maybe not exactly as you envisioned, but just how they should.
In reality, dreams evolve and change. What I dreamt of achieving a year ago is not the same as what I dream for my future today. I’m learning it’s ok to let go of a dream that hasn’t come to fruition. I’m learning to let go and try not to control every aspect of my life. I am discovering how to surrender to the journey. Surrendering takes strength and it takes courage. Surrendering allows you to let go and make room for the miracle that will come. Every challenge in life is an opportunity to learn, grow and become a stronger individual; so I continue to stay strong, have faith, and never give up on my aspirations. As long as my heart remains open, I have no doubt that I will find someone or that certain someone will find me. I have a beautiful spirit, I emanate light and love, and deserve to be happy with a man who loves & adores me. It WILL happen. Until then, I will continue to be fabulous and live a life that makes me SHINE! Just as The Single Woman says, “It is in the waiting that we become who we are meant to be.”
Concentrate the mind on the present moment. – Buddha
The quieter you become, the more you can hear. – Ram Dass
Whisper words of wisdom. Let it be. – The Beatles
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Affirmations:
I delight in the present moment. I know that what I have, is always enough.
I have plans for the future, but I am content in the present. I am okay. I am on my way.
It is safe to let go and trust. This moment contains all I need.
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Wisdom:
A few days ago I was at brunch in a part of town that is such a wonderful combination of eclectic and trendy that I can’t even handle its cuteness. . I love places with that kind of character. Come to think of it, I like people that way too. Diverse, intriguing, and with a history containing the courage for one or more reinventions. . But I digress… . So… I was at brunch talking about life and love and jobs and whatnot with my boyfriend and our good friend. I was eating my eggs benedict slowly, sipping on some truly great coffee, and actually listening to the conversation…
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This is as opposed to shoving food in my face and talking nonstop.
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I had let myself slow down.
And this strange thing happened to me; I felt something I don’t feel often.
I felt a calm sense of genuine delight for that moment. Where I was right then – was okay – was good enough – was a fine place to be.
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I felt happy.
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I was not noticing what I (or anyone else) was wearing. I felt no concern for what kind of Facebook picture the morning would generate, or whether my life looked like a movie, or whether people would be jealous, or what unhealthy things may/may not be in hollandaise sauce, or whether the conversation we were having was intellectually stimulating or not.
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I just felt fine with the here and now. . .
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And do you know what?! It was much easier than worrying about everything, and about what everything means, and where every moment of my life is leading me, and where I’ll end up, and what people with think of it, and whether I am basically okay.
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I just was.
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I was in the present moment. . The books I read talk about it. The yoga I practice is based around it, but being present, is something I have a hard time obtaining. . A book I’m currently into teaches that everything that you see – every single object or situation or person – you don’t see as it actually is, you only see all your perceptions of that object. . When I see my Starbucks cup sitting in front of me right now, its loaded with memories of the times I’ve had Starbucks, as well as my knowledge about how much I love Starbucks, in addition to the late summer nights sitting in front of my favorite Starbucks after it closed with friends, etc etc etc. I have all sorts of perceptions based around a single cup. That’s how every single solitary thing in life is – it’s loaded with our perceptions, judgements, and qualifiers. . I say that to say that… I have ideas of what my life should look like, what my outfits should look like, and what a morning brunch should look like. I want it to look pretty, and fun, and carefree – and then take a picture of it and blog about it. But as long as I’m wanting it to look these ways – ways that movies, and media, and my mind have told me it should look, it never does. I worry, plan, over analyze, and manipulate and control – instead of letting it be. . And in that moment, at brunch, just being present with each bite of my food, my wonderful friends, and cup of truly fantastic Non-Starbucks coffee, I realized something. . Life isn’t always picturesque – and it’s not supposed to be.
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But it’s real… and it’s mine… and I have the opportunity to be present in it.
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Only I can make me slow down enough to love my life. . Only I can change my thoughts to thoughts of gratitude for (instead of criticism of) each moment. . And that’s enough. . That might just be all there is.
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Maybe that’s the whole point.
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Then later while strolling around with my boyfriend after brunch, I asked my him for one pic (far less than normal) and he began to be silly and resist (completely normal) and I got my Instagram worthy pictures anyway, except these pictures were ones that I couldn’t have planned, that didn’t look “perfect” and that I definitely hadn’t seen on a romantic comedy….
… but I’d pick this. Cause this is mine. And it really is enough.
She married Mr. Big anyway!! And she would have done it a hell of a lot sooner if she would have stopped being insecure, enjoyed the relationship and single life and just went with it without being a hysterical mess.
Maybe it’s the part of the country I’m from or the college I went to, but I have noticed an overwhelming belief in young girls that their only goal post college is marriage.
There is so much more to what makes you than a man.
Don’t get me wrong, those who do get married are making an insanely important decision, possibly the most weighty one they will ever make, but it is certainly not the only substantial life choice. There are more things to do with your time than settle down.
I know a lot of pretty, smart women who got divorced when the decision they made at 20 didn’t make any sense at 30. They tell me that they just didn’t know who they were or what they wanted like they thought they did. And while I certainly do not believe that every person that gets married young gets divorced…
I truly believe that unfortunate things happen when you force something you are not ready for.
When I was 21 or 22 I was beyond anxious to find the one and get married. I could not see my role in the world passed wife and mother.
And while I am not negating anyone’s path, and truly believe choosing to be a wife and mother is an insanely honorable one, I’m so glad it didn’t happen to me when I wanted it to. I don’t think I would have traveled, gone to grad school, started a business, gotten really healthy, grew into myself, etc.
Waiting around for a man-friend would have been a waste of my time when there is a big wide world out there to see and amazing life experiences to be had.
Instead of hoping that the man for you is going to walk to through the doors of a bar, church, or local Starbucks you could try:
1. Dating
Dating just means getting to know people over dinner or other activities. It means giving people a chance. It means opening yourself up to new groups of friends, parts of town, and kinds of food as you hang out with your date. It doesn’t have to mean making bad life decisions. It’s fun. It’s not that deep and I am personally so thankful for the friends I made and the places I went while getting to know lots of different kinds of people. I never did the Match.com thing, but a lot of friends have – you might want to consider it 🙂
2. Going to school/Staring a business/Following a dream
It’s not that you can’t do this once you are married, but I probably would have jumped right on the baby making wagon and not been easy to start big ventures for a long long time. If you are unmarried and have any desire for higher ed, do it now, do it now, do it now! You do not have to wait on someone else to invest in yourself.
3. Working on yourself
While carrying my groceries up three flights of stairs used to make me cry (no really, it did) I am now way closer to self sufficient. Sure, I make my current boyfriend a to-do list for every visit, but I could find a way to get all the boy-tasks on the list done, regardless. I know I can take care of myself and I love that.
And that’s just once piece of the puzzle, you have the opportunity to grow spiritually, personally, intellectually, in health and wellness, etc because your time is your own.
You don’t need a man. Wanting one is normal, but functioning without one is awesome.
4. Enjoying you
Sleep in the middle of the bed. Eat frozen yogurt on your counter at 11 pm for dinner. Stay up all night working on a project. Paint the kitchen any color you want. Make amazing girlfriends. Grow in all your relationships. Move across the country. Go to Italy. Take a weekend road-trip. Have tons of girl’s nights. Let 500 different dates buy you sushi. (I’m not saying this one is the right thing to do – but it’s definitely what I did.) Try yoga. Try Zumba. Go to ashram. Pray. Explore new religions and ways of thinking. Learn what you like, don’t like, want, and don’t want. Be picky. Be your own date. Be your own friend. Be a fabulous companion for yourself.
5. Remembering that you complete you.
Finding the guy who you choose to commit to awesome, but it will still take a ton of work. The fairy tale and magic won’t necessarily resemble a romance novel or romantic comedy.
The person you end up with won’t fix you. It won’t make your life magically better. A relationship will add richness to your life only when two WHOLE people come together. When two half people are sucking the life out of each other for fulfillment, relationships are awful unhealthy ugly hot messes. So become a whole person. Work on yourself. Use this time to learn to be secure and complete within yourself so that you relationship will have a chance when you find it.
Let go of where he is, when he’s coming, and what he’ll do/make/look like.
You will find him when you are living your life,
following your dreams,
doing what you love.
People are attracted to confident people enjoying themselves.
Don’t you dare act desperate.
You’ll find each other when you are ready.
Let it go.
Enjoy your life. Enjoy the season you are in.
Trust that you are in the right place, at the right time,
and on your way.
Love you all so much!!
Xo,
Amanda Frances
Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty, sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with. – Sex and the City
To let me know what you’re going through or ask questions to be answered on the site please email amandafrances.com@gmail.com
