Are you ready to elevate your life, manifest from a place of alignment, and embrace the flow of abundance? In the latest episode of “And She Rises, The Fuck Up” podcast, I’m diving deep into the principles for living an aligned life and manifesting from a place of authenticity. If you’re seeking to prioritize feeling good daily, cultivate self-love, and manifest your desires, this is the episode for you.
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At the heart of it all, my work is a testament to the power of living authentically, embracing positivity, and aligning with your true self. If you’re ready to rise, align, and manifest abundance, I’m here to guide you every step of the way.
Join the app, dive into the newsletter, and explore the “Aligned as Fuck Bundle” course to embark on a journey of self-discovery, empowerment, and abundance. It’s time to embrace your authenticity and manifest the life you deserve. Let’s rise, align, and manifest the lives we desire!
If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. – The Bible
In life we get exactly what we have the courage to ask for. – Oprah
Be grateful for what you have now. As you begin to think about all the things in your life you are grateful for, you will be amazed at the never ending thoughts that come back to you of more things to be grateful for. You have to make a start, and then the law of attraction will receive those grateful thoughts and give you more just like them. – The Secret
Your entire life the universe has been giving to you what you think you deserve. Know you are worth more, and you will get more. – Me
“I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind. I am LIGHT.” —India Arie, “I Am Light”
When I was a young girl, I had a complete vision of how my life would look when I turned 35. I imagined myself married to a successful and dashing man, living in a beautiful home with a dazzling swimming pool filled with the laughter and frenzy of 3 children–two girls and a boy. I pictured myself staying at home to raise my children, making my home a nurturing oasis, full of warm memories and so much love. Busy with carpools, bake sales, soccer games, ballet recitals and piano lessons, the “picture” I had in my head seemed perfect & easily attainable. Yet, here I am at 35 years old without my 35-year old dream. And while some may view this as a major disappointment or failure, I simply see the lack of attaining my dream as MOTIVATION. [Tweet “You have to let go of old dreams and expectations to make room for bigger dreams to emerge.”] Sometimes we hold on to the “idea” of things, and do not understand the reality of that vision.
At this point in my life, I know my journey has given me more insight and opportunity than my “perfect family” vision could EVER have given me. I know I’m not a failure because I haven’t reached my “goal.” I have achieved so many OTHER accomplishments: I graduated from UCLA, obtained my degree, struggled through 4 years of pharmacy school and earned my Pharm.D., passed my CA Pharmacy Board exams the first try, was promoted to Pharmacy Manager within a year of working, and became a homeowner at the age of 30.
Although I look forward to the day I meet my romantic match, I have learned so much about myself as a successful single and fulfilled woman. Being a single woman has allowed me to realize who I am by myself, without the influence of a partner. Single life has given me freedom—freedom to live the life I want to live and the opportunity to travel without consulting another person. I’m not desperate or depressed that I have not found him yet. I know I am right where I need to be at this point in my life and look forward to the day when Mr. Right arrives. On the series Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw said so wisely, “Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.”
But I’m only human. Sometimes I have a bad day and find myself in “Debbie Downer” mode. During these times I strive to replace my negative thoughts with positive, affirming ones.
Here are 5 tools I use in order to focus on my desires and ward off negativity:
Stay in your lane. God has a plan and purpose for each one of us. When we count other people’s blessings, we not only disappoint Him, but we also diminish our own journey. Learn to embrace the unknown and the excitement of the unfolding path ahead of you, because when you resent the blessings of another, it doesn’t push others off their path–it simply pushes you farther from your own. Release the expectations you have about what you SHOULD have now or where you SHOULD be now in your life. [Tweet “You are EXACTLY where you should be right now.”] You are learning and growing, preparing for the next part of your life journey. Stay positive and enjoy the moment you are living in NOW. Create the vision you have for your life, expect great things, have faith, and great things will happen for you at the RIGHT TIME.
Celebrate your accomplishments. Remember when you were a youngin’ and your mom or dad hugged & cheered you on when you did the smallest thing, like tie your shoe properly, or use the potty for the first time, or when you got your first gold star at school? Well, why does that suddenly have to change when you’re an adult? I feel like we don’t celebrate ourselves enough in adulthood. [Tweet “Everyday is a gift and every success should be celebrated!”] Rather than bathe in destructive and envious feelings, we should celebrate our progress, no matter how small. You finished all the items on your TO-DO list for the week? CELEBRATE!! You achieved your goal of 4 workouts for the week? I’d say that calls for a spa day! Self love is all about appreciating and honoring oneself, unconditionally. Not having accomplished everything you desire is an opportunity to get clearer on what you want and set goals to achieve it. Life would be dull if you didn’t have anything to work for! Always honor and cherish the blessing that you are to the world. Don’t let ANYONE steal your shine, especially yourself!
Create a GRATITUDE journal. The best way to get out of your “Woe is me” mentality is to write a list of at least 5 things you are grateful for. It could be ANYTHING! Focusing on all the blessings you have NOW makes it difficult for you to feel badly about your life. When you appreciate what you have, what you have appreciates in value. Giving thanks forces us to pay attention to the good things in life, rather than the negative forces which tend to overwhelm us day-to-day. So whether you believe in God or a higher power, be thankful on this day for your trusted friendships and loving family. Rather than focus on what is MISSING in your life, focus on all the wonderful things that are present. Focus on your blessings, focus on your fitness, focus on those things you CAN control, like your attitude and outlook on the world. Focus on keeping the faith.
Give back. One of the best things you can do to take the focus AWAY from the whirlwind of doubts and questions that plague you is to serve others. Whether you choose to volunteer at a shelter, become a mentor, give money to your favorite charity, donate clothing to an organization, or simply reach out to a friend or colleague, use your time productively to create sunlight in another’s life. The best way to get out of your own funk is to reach out and help someone else who may be having hard times. Do you know someone who may be going through a hard time? Give her a call, send him a card, make a phone call and spend some quality time serving others. Helping others not only creates a sense of community and fellowship, but also does wonders for your spirit.
Love yourself. Whether you need to pray, meditate, dance & sing in the shower, or enjoy a quiet afternoon in the park, do something that makes YOU feel happy and fulfilled. Meditation is a great way to quiet the mind, focus on your breathing, and find your center. It truly is amazing how simply taking 5 minutes out to BREATHE can truly relinquish tension & anxiety. Personally, I can’t get through the month without at least one massage or day at the spa doing nothing but enjoying me, myself, and I. If you can’t afford a spa day, light some scented candles, draw some bath water & luxuriate in yummy bath oils. There is nothing like a “Calgon evening” to make the stresses of the day disappear. One of my new self-care rituals is buying a fresh bouquet of tulips or roses for my home. When I’m surrounded by beautiful things, I really do feel uplifted.If you’re not kind and loving to yourself, how can you expect anyone else to be?
“i-love-me” flowers
In the meantime…
As I wait patiently for God to send me my King, I continue to love myself like no one else can and live my life to the fullest by traveling, becoming the best version of me, and pursuing all my heart’s desires. Life doesn’t stop simply because I’m not a “Mrs.” My happiness does not revolve around my single status; it is defined by my spiritual, physical and emotional fulfillment. Sometimes you have to stop worrying and have faith that things will work out, maybe not exactly as you envisioned, but just how they should.
In reality, dreams evolve and change. What I dreamt of achieving a year ago is not the same as what I dream for my future today. I’m learning it’s ok to let go of a dream that hasn’t come to fruition. I’m learning to let go and try not to control every aspect of my life. I am discovering how to surrender to the journey. Surrendering takes strength and it takes courage. Surrendering allows you to let go and make room for the miracle that will come. Every challenge in life is an opportunity to learn, grow and become a stronger individual; so I continue to stay strong, have faith, and never give up on my aspirations. As long as my heart remains open, I have no doubt that I will find someone or that certain someone will find me. I have a beautiful spirit, I emanate light and love, and deserve to be happy with a man who loves & adores me. It WILL happen. Until then, I will continue to be fabulous and live a life that makes me SHINE! Just as The Single Woman says, “It is in the waiting that we become who we are meant to be.”
Question: Hey Amanda! I was telling a friend over our mani/pedis that I had gone another round of unproductive and brutal fighting with my long time boyfriend. She suggested that I write you. There are a lot of past childhood hurts, abuse and other dynamics that play into who he is. He overreacts when I have dinner and drinks with girlfriends or do things independently of him. I just want my response to not be so emotional and then leaving me with a big hole. Unfortunately, I feel I’m in a pattern that I can’t correct. My question is – how does a person not respond back in ugliness. I need to be able to feel that I’m not conceding and still maintaining me. In those heated moments nothing good comes from giving it right back to him, but I don’t want to be left feeling like a whipped pup? – P
Hello P!
Without knowing the exact scenario, a few things come to mind.
1. First let’s talk about you. I am so sorry you are going through this. That kind of fighting can be so draining. It sounds like you want to be able to say how you feel without making hurtful remarks or escalating things further and adding to the big blow up when this man overreacts to a situation.
A part of loving yourself (and loving your relationship) is being able to explain yourself. The goal is to be able to talk about how you feel without causing anyone to feel attacked and further escalating the situation. So that may sound like, “I know you are really angry right now, and I’m sorry that you feel so upset, but I feel really blank when you blank. I want to try figure out a way that we can handle this type of situation differently” or “I want to figure out a compromise we are both really comfortable with for the future.” And then maybe you can talk more about what you want/how you feel.
2. Next time you find yourself in this situation, you may decide that you need to walk away for a while before you talk. So it’s a good idea to tell him you need a minute to yourself and take a walk or go somewhere alone for a minute. So maybe say something like, “I know you are really upset right now and I don’t want to say anything that will hurt you, so I’m going to take a minute to myself.”
During the alone time, really experience the way you are feeling. Let yourself feel angry, sad, frustrated, etc. Accept your emotions as valid and just sit with it for a minute. When you feel settled, consider talking. Wait to explain yourself until you can do it calmly and from a more peaceful place.
3. That being said, let’s talk a little more about what is going on with your partner – when people have a lot of pain in their past that they have not worked through, anything that brings up an old hurt will cause them to react disproportionately to the situation. It sounds like you are aware of this. I don’t know enough of the situation to know where his insecurity resides. It may be a fear of losing you, being alone, losing control, ect. It is my guess that when he feels threatened/insecure/vulnerable he freaks out.
4. Since you are well aware that his issues are rooted in his childhood, it may make it a little easier to relate to him and have empathy for what he has gone through. So when he acts crazy, first validate his emotions. Start with, “I know you’re really upset right now” “or “I know when I blank it made you really blank and you just didn’t know what to do”.
Your acceptance and understanding can help. Never tell anyone that they are wrong for how they feel. His feelings aren’t wrong. His reactions to the feelings he doesn’t know how to handle are where the problem lies. There are no winners in these kind of arguments – so focus on understanding each other better, not being right.
5. All of that being said, it is really really hard to be in a relationship with someone who is threatened by your independence or who is unable to trust you during a night out with friends. Trust me, I’ve done it. He may become more comfortable over time with the things you are describing as you talk about it and learn about what’s going on for him. However, if this does not help, I suggest he see a therapist. He could consider individual counseling or maybe marriage counseling for the two of you. To have a functional relationship, you need a healthy amount of separateness and togetherness. If you feel stifled and restricted as a person and like you can not do the things that are important to you, you will come to resent him more and more over time.
If he will not consider talking through or working through these issues, I suggest you consider getting out of the relationship. In my experience, I was lucky that the person I was with was willing to have a discussion about their fears, work through them, and grow as a person… but had this not been the case, I would have had to leave the relationship.
I’m having a hard time staying away from my first love. He hasn’t treated me well in a long time and lately I’m feeling like he just wants to make sure no one else can have me even though he doesn’t want me around all the time. I’m so disappointed in myself for spending time with him, buying him things, and being intimate with him. I don’t know how to let go and I’m just wondering if you’ve been through this and what you did to move on. – A, Houston, TX.
Oh sweetie, yes I have been through this. The details may vary, but most of us have found ourselves stuck in a relationships that we couldn’t seem to move past, though we know it’s harmful. Here are some tips that I sincerely hope help you move on…
Analyzing Won’t Help
For me, I remember being stuck in the emotion of it all. I found myself questioning everything. It sounded something like “but what if we get back to the good place we used to be in,” “what if he can fix this, this and this about him – then we can be happy,” “what if he grows up in a few years and changes,” “but I know he loves me…” As I’m sure you are, I analyzed the situation to the max. I couldn’t seem to see anything clearly.
Break It Down and Make It Clear
Finally, I went to therapy. And my therapist, God love her, had me write down all the qualities in him that were hurting me. When I saw the list of negative attributes in front of me, I was able to begin to see that since he was choosing to treat me badly, that he was choosing not to be with me. This took the responsibility off me to fix everything. All the what-ifs in the entire universe don’t change how this man is treating you TODAY. And today is the day that you have to work with.
You could also make a list of the ways you desire to be treated/qualities you want in someone. Next to each item, write how being treated that way will make you feel. On a separate paper write a list of how homeboy is treating you. Next to each of those items, write how that attribute makes you feel.
That could look something like this:
Takes me on dates -> adoredRespects my morals and body -> valuedCommunicates with me -> loved—————————————————-Puts me down -> unworthyUses me for sex -> disrespectedQuestions where I’ve been-> controlled
The thing is, once most of us break it down, we have fewer items on the what-we-really-want side than we thought we would. Seeing what you want written out, it probably won’t seem like such a long shot that someone who will treat you well out there. This is just one way of helping yourself to see if what you have and what you want are profoundly different. It can also help you see what kind of emotions and energy this relationships is adding to your life, not to mention, how different your life could be.
Be Patient with Yourself
However, having the above revelations isn’t going to necessarily cause you to end the rendezvous immediately – especially if you are heavily emotionally involved.This might very well be the beginning of the end for you, but you’ll still have to walk out being without him as he tests your boundaries, tries to make sure he can still have you, and attempts to convince you to come over, hang out, or not be with anyone else. And that may feel conflicting and hurt like hell. It may even make you want to run back to him. Back to him may feel safer than alone as you move on.
And that’s okay.
Just stick with the process.
For me, I had to give myself permission to not be ready to move on all the way on the first day. Then I had to give myself permission to miss him and be a hot mess.
In this hodgepodge of emotion, I had to forgive myself for replying to texts, answering calls, and not being over the second I realized he sucked. Don’t beat yourself up for where you are today. Give yourself permission to feel everything you feel and be where you’re at. This is part of your process. Be patient with yourself. It will get easier. You will wonder about him less. You’ll think about calling him less. You’ll notice other people more.
You will move on.
Set Boundaries
When you are ready, you could consider making yourself some rules. This may look like, “I’m not going to go to such and such party alone, because every time I do I hook up with him.” Or something like, “I’m not going to answer the phone, or text after this certain time because that always seems to be when he talks me into seeing one another.” In my opinion, establishing boundaries before you are ready will just cause you to go back on them and then feel incredibly guilty – don’t do that to yourself.
Grieve the Loss
As you say not to and separate from him, you are going to hurt. Whether he deserves it or not, you are grieving a loss. Someone who was fulfilling roles in your life, is gone and you may very well feel like someone died as you let the relationship go. You may feel anger, disbelief, denial, etc. Since you are already hurting now, you really don’t have much to lose.
Deal with Your Stuff
I’m wondering if there is more going on for you in this situation. As Mastin Kipp says, you date at the level of your own self-esteem.
Aside from loving this guy and having intense emotions toward him… Have you stayed with him out of fear of being alone? Do you perhaps have an internal belief that you don’t deserve better? Or maybe you’ve been told that you will end up just like someone in your family and are meant to be with an abusive man? Or maybe if feels to you like ending this means you failed? If any of this touches something deep in you, you may want to consider therapy of some kind. Insecurities tend to resurface in future relationships if they aren’t dealt with.
Love You More
You are worthy of love. You can be treated well by yourself and those you let in your world. You deserve a relationship with a respectful, loving partner who takes care of you and allows you to do the same for them.
You may find it helpful to read about the benefits of being single, or about some fun ways to enjoy life on any given day. As you deal with your shit, are patient with yourself, and increase your self-love… you will move on.
And I have to add… Don’t try to change him. You can’t and won’t.
In my case, the boy did grow up and get his life mostly together. But by time he did, half a decade had passed. I could not have done anything to make him move through the process any faster… and dear God, if I had kept going back to him, I can only imagine what I would have missed out on in life. By time he got his head back on straight I was long gone… staying with him and his drama would never have been conducive to the happiness and life I now have.
And besides… this guy may never get it together.
Let’s let that be someone else’s problem.
Best of Luck, A.
Let me know how it goes,
Amanda Frances
Maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy. Maybe it’s up to you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. – He’s Just Not That Into You
About the New Column:
As I was trying to decide what to call the question/answer section of the blog, my mom suggested “Relax… We’ve Got This” because she knows that while I truly believe that all answers can be found inside ourselves, sometimes it helps a lot to have someone give you an unbiased perspective or help you see through the situational clutter that’s in the way of hearing your heart. Although we all worry, fret, and question at times, I believe that we really can relax in the process and know the answers are coming.
Contact me via amandafrances.com@gmail.com or through any of my various social media sites: twitter, facebook, or pinterest to have your question answered.
