I Love You, But I Don’t Give a Bleep

My friends, my friends!

Excuse my lengthy absence – turns out getting-a-PhD is quite time consuming. I’m thrilled to be back – I’ve so missed sharing with you.

This blog could be called “What to do when your feelings are really hurt”, “How to handle conflict when others are mean”, “How to increase your self-worth and thrive socially” or a myriad of other titles.

Really it’s about accelerating your growth by releasing the attachment to needing the approval of others… but we’ll get there.

Here we go:

One great thing about having a blog (and being someone who has kept a journal since I was 7) is that I can look back and see how I thought, felt, and processed things from various points in my development.

Some of you may remember my How to Handle Mean Girls post from two summers ago. A situation had tremendously hurt my feelings and I was attempting to justify my feelings here on my blog, while hoping to aid others in similar situations.

Recently, I was the one in a similar situation. Actually, almost exactly same situation. I was myself. People were not so accepting. My feelings were really hurt. I didn’t feel good enough. Everything sucked.

Looking back, I can see that last time I missed part of the reason for what happened was an assignment and an opportunity for growth.

This time I reached a beautiful and happy place that I never quite got to in the other situation. And I reached it fairly quickly.

We are going to call that place: I love you, but I don’t give a cuss-word what you think of me because I know I am enough.

 

Here’s How I Got There:

1. Recognize

Recognize that this isn’t about you.

Sometimes people will be mean to you and the reason they were mean won’t have anything to do with you.

I gave myself a buffer zone from my hurt by recognizing one important fact: this isn’t about me.  The people who were big jerks have their own work to do. Something about me triggered an unhealed aspect of them.

They have suffered too. They need love and compassion too. Somewhere in my acknowledgement of this, forgiveness is possible.

I let them off the hook a little and made some space to examine what had happened. What was my part in what happened? Did I need to adjust?

In my case, I realized quickly that transforming myself too much would mean not being myself enough. And I know that I know that I know that existing as a stifled, dumbed down, held back, boxed in version of me is not an option if I’m going to live the life I desire to live and make the difference I desire to make.

What the world needs from you is your truth. The planet needs you to be the you-est you that you can possibly be. It is a part of doing your life’s work.

[Tweet “It doesn’t matter what people think because you are enough. – @xoamandafrances”]

I took the time to recognize what it was about me that had been hard for someone else.

I was able to recognize what I could adjust without being untrue to myself.

I vowed to be a more considerate, but equally as vibrant Amanda Frances.

Excuse me for speaking in third person.

 

2. Realize

Step 1 & 2 are pretty interchangeable. They sometimes happen all at once.

Take the time to realize what this is truly about for you.

Acknowledge your feelings. What did the person say? How did it feel? What did it remind you of? Why did it hurt? What did it say about where you are in your growth?

The reason you cared is because you have some work to do.

You probably felt angry at first. Anger is a secondary emotion. Look at what is under it. You are angry because you are ____. You are _____ because this reminds you of ________. When _________ happened it taught you that you were not _________ enough.

All relationships are assignments and stuff like this comes up so you can heal it.

Get out your journal, call a friend, get on the phone with a therapist, coach {interested in life coaching? click here } or mentor and figure out what this is about for you.

In this way you are able to realize the lesson that there is to be learned.

 

3. Release.

Once I had recognized what it was about for them, realized what I could and couldn’t do to resolve the internal hurt and external crappy situation, and did some work around my self-doubt, a miracle happened.

I didn’t really care so much anymore (or give a f*** – if you prefer to say it that way).

Through my process, I released a lot of the fear of not being liked.

And guess what?! The rude and hurtful behavior seemed to stop once I no longer cared.

I wasn’t giving them power over me anymore. 

 

The real miracle, however, was my shift in perception.

I was no longer feeling afraid of being judged or of having people not like me. I had love and compassion for those who had hurt me. I recognized my insecurity. I was able to heal a little more of my past and adjust how I interact with others. I had grown a little. I had moved past the craziness of this setting and felt confident in myself.

Mean girls, or any other person, will never ever be able to be a stable source of self-worth for you.

You must know that you are enough because you are. You are innately worthy. You have nothing to prove. You owe no one anything.

[Tweet “You are enough because you are. – @xoamandafrances”]

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks because you are enough.

Take a minute to sit in that. Say to yourself, “I am enough.”

Love for the world starts from an inner place of enough and moves outward – not the other way around. If you wait for the world to give you what you need to feel good enough, you’ll always be waiting.

While I was going through the drama, I facebooked these two little quotes.

“You can not control another person’s perception of you. That’s theirs. You can control how long you hold on to it, what you learn from it, and whether you grow from it. That’s yours.” 

And

“A person’s opinion of you and behavior toward you is simply feedback on how he or she sometimes experiences you. You get to choose how you perceive it,  your reaction to it, and the meaning it holds in your life.”

And that’s what I did. I decided what it meant to me and purposefully moved forward.

I was placed in exactly the same situation again because I still had work to do. I had handled my hurt feelings with the capability and understanding I had at the time two years ago but stayed stuck in an I-care-what-you-think-of-me-and-am-uncomfortable-around-you place for a long time. This time, I moved through my feelings more quickly and was able to release the hurt and without getting stuck in bitterness or self-doubt.

Recognize what you have to heal. Realize that the person who hurt you, hurts too. Release the person, your emotions, and the situation.

 

 

amanda frances girl on swing

amanda frances girl jumping into water

amanda frances - girl in water

Release

 

 

I love you,

Amanda Frances

natural makeup 

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